100 Things I Want to Tell My Children and Grandchildren, #33

Don’t get married until you’re older.

 (Me at age 18, just a few months before my marriage, and much too young.)

My #33, “Don’t get married until you’re older,” is inspired by my grandchildren reaching the age where they have and/or will start thinking about marriage. As I pondered the issue of what to tell my grandkids about marriage, and whether what I say has any value, a vivid memory popped into my mind.  

It is 1978, and I’m sitting in my sister Dorothy’s car in front of our mother’s house. As I told her why I was unhappy in my marriage and wanted to leave my children’s father, and asked her what she thought I should do, I watched pain unfold across her face and tears fill her eyes, because she too had struggled with her marriage. Then after a minute heavy with both of our disappointments, failures and regrets, she said, “I can tell you what I think you should do, but it won’t matter.  You will do what you want to”. 

She was right. I wasn’t looking for advice, I was looking for validation. 

Having been married several times unsuccessfully I don’t know if that qualifies me to be a good advisor on marriage, or a horrible one, or both. If it were a business decision, we could simply compare the pros and cons, but it’s not, it’s a business decision made under the influence of the most potent mind-altering drug in the world, love.  

Click on Read More Below to Continue

I say don’t get married until you’re older because by that time. You’re probably more financially secure, which is one of the two biggest challenges to marriage – money, and you’re probably secure in who you are and don’t need someone else to validate your ego, which is substantially about the second biggest challenge in marriage, sex. Sex and money are the two things that couples fight about the most.

It often takes a while for couples to reach their shared level of financial comfort. I say shared because some people are happy with nothing, and some people are never happy, no matter how much they have. For example, I remember years ago being in a fancy bathroom in a fancy hotel, and feeling sorry for myself because I couldn’t afford to buy a fancier room in the fancy hotel. As I washed my hands I heard a maid who was cleaning the toilets singing in the most beautiful voice, and immediately felt so ashamed of myself. Here was this woman, probably making $10 an hour cleaning toilets, and she sounded so full of joy, and I was feeling sorry for myself because of a stupid hotel room. It’s not about how many zeros in your income, it’s about figuring out how to be happy regardless of how many zeros you have.

The other thing couples fight about is sex – which is as much if not more about ego and self-esteem than orgasms. Libido drives our passion for sex to a certain extent, but it is also driven by the need to feel good about ourselves – are we pretty, handsome, macho, virile, hot, desirable, and our need to confirm that our partner is still attracted to us and loves us. It’s too simple to say men want sex and women want to be loved. Self-esteem is a powerful master. It makes us look for sex outside our marriage, it makes us lose weight and get in shape, it makes us decorate ourselves like preening birds to attract mates. 

On the positive side, many couples come out of financial and sex challenges battered but not beaten, and with counseling, patience, and forgiveness rediscover the friendship and respect that originally brought them together. That’s the sweet spot of marriage. 

We are the residual of our experiences, and admittedly, my experience with marriage was highly unsuccessful until I reached a very mature age. So, my advice is live together, raise kids, go through all the hardships challenges, heartbreaks (and joy), and if you both are willing to do what it takes to honor the relationship until you’re older, then marry your best friend. 

Of course, you’ll do what you want to do anyway.