One Hundred Things My Mother Taught Me a Million Times - Chapter 75

(Passport photo, 1957. We spent 3 months in Europe)

#75 - Always behave nicely with boys or they will never marry you.

Apparently I’ve behaved too nicely with boys my entire life because I’ve been married so many times I can barely keep track! Honestly, I wish mom had said, “You really need to be a little slutttier SueAnn, otherwise you’ll end up in a series of heartbreaking marriages.” 

Bottom line, I came out of my first marriage with three wonderful children and a broken heart, my second and third with some fabulous (and not so fabulous) memories and lessons learned, and my fourth and last, a great friend and companion. A couple of years ago my daughter told me I was being mean to my husband, so I decided to be nicer to him. But that worries me a little because looking back on my history, being nice hasn’t really served me that well.

But let’s go back to puberty when this whole issue of being a nice girl first became an issue. I was a nice girl, or at least I think I was. Of course after I made out in the backseat of Mr. and Mrs. A’s car with their son all the way back from church camp (it was dark), they probably didn’t think so.  But I didn’t go “all the way” with anyone until I was married, which seemed the criteria for “nice girl” when I was growing up.  I thought I knew in high school who “did it” and who didn’t, but really I didn’t (know).  I remember finding out about a pregnant girl a couple years younger then me and thinking, “Not her! She doesn’t even bleach her hair!” It would be an understatement to say that I was naive.

State of Wonder by Ann Patchett

I glided through Ann Patchett’s new book State of Wonder in my own state of wonder with her marvelous writing, the titillating theme, and my faith that this was going to be a tour de force to rival one of her best books yet, Bel Canto! But at some point, or several actually, I began to wonder if it was really as wonderful as I'd hoped.

Dr. Marina Singh is a demure employee of a pharmaceutical company and, of course we all know that demure women are good and pharmaceutical companies are soulless moneygrubbers. But I shook off my premonitions and clung to Patchett like a nursing baby.

Singh is demurely having an affair with the CEO of the company, who she religiously calls “Mr. Fox,” even after they’ve swapped body juice. She is not, however, having an affair with her co-worker, Anders Eckman, despite Anders’ wife’s suspicions - strange, but not strange enough to derail my wondrous journey with Patchett.

Anders Eckman (Singh’s co-worker), having gone to the Amazon to check on a project, dies while down there, so Mr. Fox sends Singh to the Amazon to find out what the hell is going on. But the project leader, Annick Swenson (the star of the book in my book), is too busy to be bothered by Eckman’s death, the pharmaceutical company or Marina Singh, and so the mystery builds!

A Stolen Life: A Memoir by Jaycee Dugard

In 1991, Phillip and Nancy Garrido kidnapped Jaycee Dugard, age eleven, as she walked to her schools bus, just steps away from her home in South Lake Tahoe California. Eighteen years later, she, along with her eleven and fifteen-year-old daughters were discovered and returned to freedom. As I read this statement I feel a deep black hole widening in my chest. Although I now know much of the horrifying detail of Jaycee Dugard's hours, days, weeks, months, years of torture, rape, and captivity at the hands of the Garridos, as told in her recent book, A Stolen Life: A Memoir, I have a hard time understanding that humans are capable of such beastly, soulless behavior.

Dugard lived in a tent in the Garrido’s back yard, and gave birth to her two daughters there. Garrido’s wife Nancy would go to playgrounds and film little girls doing the splits and showing their panties to take back to her husband. Garrido told Dugard that by being there for him to rape, literally for days on end (he called them “runs”), she was saving some other little girl. The depravity of the situation is unimaginable.

The book was amazingly digestible considering the topic, and there were some interesting elements that came out in her story. One was her obsession with cats – the only good thing in her life. They didn’t hurt her, lie or expect anything from her. They were all she had until she gave birth to her daughters, who she was forced to treat as her sisters.

Also of interest, Jaycee didn’t feel that she could or should escape because who would take her back or love her after what she’d been through. Her captors would abuse her horribly. then tell her they loved her and bring her gifts. They became her world; the Stockholm syndrome, where the captive grows to love their captor, tragically played out.

Smart Gals Sip

Jeffrey’s was cool and dark, a welcome relief as I’d just walked through a wall of heat between my car and the bar. Although I never drink hard liquor, on a whim I ordered a “Friendly Ghost,” gin, coconut water, lime and cucumber, and tried not to gulp it down. Francie Ferguson was the first to arrive, face lit up as usual, and viewing my cool concoction, she ordered the Ghost too!

I met Francie when she was the Executive Director of Foundation Communities and I was president of the board. Francie actually founded Foundation Communities, but at the time it was call the Central Texas Mutual Housing Association. We bought distressed properties (apartment complexes, duplexes, etc), fixed them up, housed low-income families, and provided onsite services, i.e., tutoring, tax preparation, counseling, job skills training, etc. Of course all the board did was show up and vote, lend credibility, advise and occasionally raise a little money. Francie was the brain behind it all and I’ve vowed to never let her out of my circle of friends. Francie has served as the Director of the NeighborWorks® Multifamily Initiative for NeighborWorks America since 1998, and holds her masters in business (concentration in real estate and finance) from the University of Texas at Austin, and her bachelor's degree from Oberlin College.

While Francie and I caught up we grazed on an eclectic selection of cheeses, figs and melons, Steak Tartare, Quail Leg Confit, and Pommes Frites. Sounds like a lot, but you know how it is, your pay $60 for plates of food that wouldn’t satisfy a small child (quality not quantity, my new mantra).

Melinda Rodriguez swept in next, obviously still buzzing from her board meeting with the Catholic Charities of Central Texas, for which Melinda serves as the Executive Director. Melinda has lost 85 pounds over the past year so I almost didn’t recognize her. She looks great! I met Melinda when she was the Director of Development at El Buen Samaritano, a wonderful organization in south-central Austin that provides services to primarily low-income Hispanic families. Melinda has since moved on to Catholic Charities, which provides a variety of human services in a 25 county area of Central Texas, and the woman is busier then a cranberry merchant on Thanksgiving!  A native of Brownsville, Melinda has a master’s degree in Human Services from St. Edward’s University, a bachelor’s degree in Communications from the University of Texas, and is incredibly focused and bright, the criteria for membership in the Very Smart Gals! When I urged Melinda to have some of the snacks, she said she’d nibbled all during her board meeting and wasn’t hungry. I said, pizza? And she said, no, turkey out of the sandwiches! She also drank water. I tell you the woman is focused!

Last to arrive was Andrea Torres, and when I hugged her, she was so hot from being outside in the horrible heat; I thought I was going to spontaneously combust! I was on my second Ghost and was seriously flammable! Andrea is the Director of Development at Meals on Wheels and More, and I met her when I was writing grants for their capital campaign. There’s really something special about walking into a new building serving hungry elderly and homebound people, knowing that you helped make it possible. Andrea graduated from Stanford University, a school I've always wanted to attend, and may yet! She’s super smart, cool as a cucumber and fun too! Especially after she’s had a gin and tonic!

Before long, we were all baring our souls, commiserating, talking about everything and nothing – which is my second favorite thing about these get togethers. My favorite being the Very Smart Gals, with whom I feel fortunate to share oxygen! Thanks for a fun happy hour, Francie, Melinda and Andrea!