Monday, April 12, 2010

One Hundred Things My Mother Taught Me A Million Times – Chapter 33

#33 – "When you are sitting around reading, rest each elbow in a half of lemon. It will bleach the skin and keep your elbows from looking brown and scruffy.

Honestly! I don’t have time to groom things I can’t even see. It’s all I can do to keep the really obvious stuff in decent order, hair, makeup, nails. When was the last time you checked your elbows?   
As I stroll through my memories of the one hundred things my mom taught me a million times, grooming techniques pop up frequently. Believe me, you’ll hear much more on this topic before I’ve cleared the full one hundred. I can’t wait to talk about Vaseline, but not today. Today the topic is lemons and elbows.  Click on Read More for the full story!
 I find grooming tedious. Or maybe it’s that I just don’t see the point anymore. It sounds so fatalistic, but why bother keeping the elbows white when your neck looks like a Dead Sea Scroll and your thighs like the surface of the moon.

Actually, my Achilles heel isn’t my elbows, but literally my heels. Nowhere in my one hundred things is there a word from mom about heels (bad boys yes, foot heels, no), and as a result, my heels look like hell! I swear there are canyons on my heels from which various objects will never return, and no thanks to mom, I can’t for the life of me figure out how to cure this really disgusting problem. 
I’ve tried all the salves, wearing socks 24-7, not walking, nothing works. The bottoms of my feet, if photographed up close, would scare small children. 

Another thing – One of the down sides of working from home is that you don’t have to get up, bathe, fix your hair, and dress up. My grooming lately consists of smelling my pits to see if they’re offensive, putting on a hat to cover the hair, and checking the crotch of the pants I wore yesterday to make sure they don’t, well….enough on that. Point is that, unfortunately, grooming  just isn’t a big priority for  me. I do try to schedule something every day or so, just to make sure I have to “clean up” my act.   

So, if scruffy elbows are your problem (pause here and look at them), follow mom’s advice and rest them in a (used) lemon half, but if your feet are your problem, you, and I, are on our own.  


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