100 Things I Want to Tell My Children and Grandchildren: #3

Relationships go through phases, so just relax.

The issue of relationship phases came up last night as I was enjoying dinner and wine with my hubby of 23 years, Mr. Crouse-y-poo. We were discussing how glad we were that we’d weathered some tough times in our marriage to get to where we are, and it occurred to me that a little insight into  “relationship phases”  was something that might be of value to my kids and grandkids.

If over fifty years and multiple love relationships teach you anything, it teaches you that everything about relationships is temporary. Contrary to traditional wisdom, which tells us that relationships are all about permanence, temporary-ness is not a bad thing. You’ve heard of the five phases of grief, well, relationships have five phases too: sex, fear, anger, resolution and comfort.

In the early phases of most “love” relationships it is all about sex, and that rocks. But at some point, just like a new toy it may lose some of its luster and/or be taken for granted. If you are truly committed, you’ll be satisfied to explore the relationship and find new ways to keep it exciting and interesting. 

The thing about sex and relationships, and it took me years to learn this, is that they are almost entirely about how you feel about yourself. If you don’t feel good about yourself, you will feel insecure, which causes fear. This fear compounded by the stress of money, work and kids, will eventually, and pretty much unavoidably, lead to the third phase of relationships, anger. This is often where divorce or counseling happens.

There is an old adage, “If you don’t know what to do, do nothing.” Which, when you are in the middle of it, seems impossibly unbearable. It is here at this critical crossroad you find out how smart you are. If you can be still long enough to figure it out, you have reached the next phase, resolution. Some might call this stage compromise, but as I often tell my children, being right feels good for 15 minutes. If you’re still miserable after those 15 minutes, what have you really accomplished? A good bit of compromise/resolution in relationships is about accepting who you are and accepting who your partner is.

So here we are at a point past the sex, fear, anger and resolution – which may be 10-20 years into the marriage – and you’ve arrived at comfort, which is strangely similar to the sex phase, in that it is just fun. You may still have rows, but when you wake up the next morning, you let it go. 

Long story short, relationships go through phases, so just relax.

Cluster Critiques

The Boys in the Boat: Nine Americans and Their Epic Quest for Gold at the 1936 Berlin Olympics by Daniel James Brown

I cried at the end of this book. Not because it was sad, but rather because I didn’t want the book to end. I’d already purchased it, along with four others, but when my BFF described it as “endearing,” I put down what I was reading at the time and picked up The Boys In The Boat and I am glad  I did.

The Boys in the Boat is about nine young men at the University of Washington who overcame numerous odds to ruin Adolf Hitler’s day by winning the Gold metal in eight-oar rowing at the 1936 Olympics in Berlin. These sons of loggers, shipyard workers and farmers took on and defeated the sons of bankers and senators rowing for elite eastern universities, and those of British aristocrats rowing for Oxford and Cambridge, to stun the Aryan sons of the Nazi state.

“Against the grim backdrop of the Great Depression, they reminded Americans of what can be done when everyone quite literally pulls together. And they provided hope that the ruthless might of the Nazis would not prevail over American grit, determination, and optimism.” - Daniel James Brown (pictured)

Described as “Chariots of Fire, with oars”, and compared to Unbroken and Seabiscuit, I predict that The Boys in the Boat will end 2013 as one of the top five books of the year. 

Not only is the story endearing, I also I found the athleticism of rowing surprising and fascinating. Physiologists calculate that rowing a two-thousand meter race takes the same toll as playing two basketball games back-to-back, in about six minutes. At top speed, the crew are rowing up to 46 stokes per minute – nearly one stroke per second. “It’s not a question of whether you will hurt, or of how much you will hurt; it’s a question of what you will do, and how well you will do it, while pain has her wanton way with you.” - Daniel James Brown 

One of the stories within the story that made me want more was that of George Yeoman Pocock, the British builder of the boat of choice of all the top-rated rowing teams, and whose enchanting quotes began each chapter. For example: “Harmony, balance, rhythm.  There you have it.  That’s what life is all about.” - George Yeoman Pocock 

Read The Boys in the Boat. 

Sisterland by Curtis Sittenfeld

 

I don’t know if Sisterland author Elizabeth Curtis Sittenfeld goes by Curtis because she, like many female writers, felt she would be given more credit as a man, but in any case she is in good company with some other famous gals who adopted male pen names, including Joanne Rowling (J.K. Rowling – Harry Potter), Emily Brontë (Currer Bell - Jane Eyre), Alice Blixen (Isak Dinesen – Out of Africa), Louisa May Alcott (A.M. Barnard – Little Women), and Nelle Harper Lee (Harper Lee - To Kill a Mockingbird).

In Sisterland, Sittenfeld (pictured) gives us identical twin sisters, Daisy and Violet Shramm who have almost nothing in common other than their on-again off-again psychic powers. Vi, the eccentric, milks her “gift” eventually nabbing a spot on the Today Show when it gets out that she has predicted a massive earthquake in the St. Louis area. Daisy, who has changed her name to Kate in an attempt to escape her “psychic” persona, just wants to be a good mother and wife. In fact, it seems they’ve dedicated their lives to being as unlike each other as possible.

In the end, the story of what happens really doesn’t matter because that is not what makes Sisterland worth the read. It is the emotional geography shared by Daisy/Kate and Violet - “sisterland” if you will. Sisters don’t have to be identical twins or psychics to read each other’s minds, and it is this territory in which Sittenfeld soars. The dialogue and dynamics between these sisters rings genuine, and that is what makes the meaningless story of Sisterland meaningful.

Is there an earthquake in St. Louse? Yes, of sorts. Read it if you want to find out, but go into it knowing it’s about sisterhood, not predicting disaster.

Political Potential by Dean Lofton

Dean Lofton’s (pictured) Aug. 25, 2013 post

Dean's List - Let's get smarter - A writer's rambling blog

The call for a Citizens’ Filibuster to testify against appalling legislation moved me out of a decade of political apathy. My work as a women’s political group founder and feminist journalist in South Carolina left me burned out on political action, and since arriving in Austin six years ago I’ve been hesitant to put down roots in another politically repressive state. I’m an independent voter and not a member of any of the organizations who did an amazing job mobilizing the masses to testify and protest.

I spent about 35 hours over three days observing the Texas legislature’s first special session. I was still there in the early morning hours when Cecile Richards stood in the packed-to-capacity capitol dome and read Senator Wendy Davis’ text relaying that SB5 had been defeated. And as I sang “The Eyes of Texas” for the first time in my life with over 1,000 of my new best friends, I knew I was a Texan and I was home.

I also knew the citizens made a difference just by showing up. While it seemed like a short-lived victory, the community building, organizing and inspiration will last far beyond this one issue or bill. It sounds cheesy, but it restored my faith in humanity to see people show up, speak up and rise up. I loved the visible expressions of resolve and commitment on citizen’s faces as they settled into their seats in the galleries with books, knitting, laptops and phones and filled the hallways waiting in line. The group dynamics were a mix of rage at having to address this issue again, and joy at seeing the increasing numbers of protesters grow throughout each day.

There was an intense sense of immediate emotional connection with the massive crowd of mostly strangers – each with their own stories and reasons this moment was their call to action. I’ve tried to describe the silent acknowledgment as our eyes met in the galleries and hallways, but words don’t seem big enough to hold it. The photos, videos and press coverage come close to conveying it, but there’s something more. There was a sense of awe and hope for the future and wondering – if we can do this… imagine what else we can do. The hours of silence in the galleries and the roaring voices of the people were full of the potential for real change.

Write Your Life as a Woman - Sunday, September 22 – 1-5 pm

The Writing Barn

10202 Wommack Road

Class fee: $100

Class size limited to 15

Register here

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Join a gathering of women for a grounding and inspiring afternoon writing retreat. Experience the radical self-care of putting away all electronics, turning off your phone and turning on your creativity.

In the style of journal writing workshops, participants write by hand – pen on paper –  in response to writing prompts and class content. With a focus on the process and experience of writing, there is no critiquing – only gentle encouragement in anon-academic, creative environment. No writing experience is necessary.

What happens in class…

• Escape all things digital – write by hand with pen or pencil on paper. Old school. No laptops, iPads or phones allowed. Phones are turned completely off and stored securely in another room.
• Write and read out loud in class. However, you can always “pass” and no one will mind a bit. (Bullies do not take this class. Only really nice people take this class.)
• Even if you don’t like to write, don’t worry… words will be spilling out of you right away… it’s magical.
• Guaranteed good for the head and heart. 

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