100 Things I Want to Tell My Children and Grandchildren, #30

Perspective is everything.

(Photo is of me, 4th from left, and some of my nieces and nephews. Probably dressed for church.)

I must have been about 12, walking from our house, a teacherage (teacher housing), to main street in the little 1,200-person community where I spent the first 18 years of my life. I recall with uncanny clarity what the sky looked like, summer blue faded by heat. What was to my left, the abandoned old red-brick two-story house I was certain held secrets. And to my right, the tiny little worn-down apartments where people who were really, really poor lived, not just kinda’ poor like us. I remember how the air smelled, hot and full of promise for hotter. And I especially remember the epiphany that made me stop abruptly. 

“We can’t judge what we don’t know.” 

That was my 12-year old understanding, but which over time and maturity became “Perspective is everything.”

Isn’t it peculiar how countless moments in our lives go un-noticed, un-remembered, un-recorded, and then there are those moments you never forget. This was one of those for me. Maybe you recall me saying I’d never heard my mother say a bad thing about anyone, and how incredibly extraordinary that was. When I criticized someone or something, a behavior I no doubt picked up from one of my playmates as it certainly didn’t exist in our home, Mom would say, “you cannot judge someone until you’ve walked a mile in their moccasins,” a statement that conjured a visual, but no understanding of its meaning. But on that warm summer morning as I walked to town, the true meaning and significance of that saying blossomed, and I have ever since been intrigued by its truth.

“…walk a mile in his moccasins” has been attributed to American Indian wisdom, but in fact it’s attribution goes back to a poem written in 1895 by Mary T. Lathrap, called “Judge Softly.” And although the poem isn’t exactly earth-moving, the “moccasins” adage certainly resonated and found traction in American culture. And now that I understand the origin, I am even more charmed by the poem’s title, “Judge Softly,” a concept I wish more of us embraced.

“Perspective” has been a central theme in the texture of my personal culture, and has helped me be less judgmental and angry, and more compassionate and understanding. I try not to get angry and criticize people who don’t believe what I believe.  I know they are who and what they are because of how they have been raised and the culture in which they live. 

We tend to be critical of individuals with beliefs and lifestyles different than ours, thinking, “What is wrong with them? Can’t they see?” But we only know what we know, and we stay in the culture that supports what we know.  For example, generational poverty. “It is so easy,” we say. “Go to school and get a job!” But when you’ve been raised in a culture where dropping out of school, and maybe doing drugs and committing crime, is the norm, that is what you know and understand – you are comfortable there. Stepping out of that is a scary, unknown place. So, you stay in the culture you understand. 

I had a funny experience recently that reminded me that being judgmental is all about perspective. I was making my bed and the sheets were so wrinkled I found myself thinking, “Gosh, maybe I’ll send them to the laundry to be washed and pressed.” And then I recalled nearly 20 years ago being incensed when someone whose house I was staying in for a weekend, said for me to be sure to take the sheets to the laundry to be washed and pressed. I remember thinking, “That’s ridiculous! Why would anyone think sheets needed to be pressed? Such a waste of money!” My perspective at the time was, that’s not how money should be spent, because I had so little money. Twenty-years later, when I have the money to pay someone to wash and iron my sheets if I want to, it sounds like a pretty nice idea. Silly, simple, but a personal reminder of how perspective shapes everything, and we need to be careful about judging others.

I occasionally give graduating seniors an upside-down map of the world, with the inscription “It’s all about perspective. Get some.” As you can see below, this different perspective changes everything. The US and Mexico look so tiny, and the Russian Federation and Canada look huge, yet we do not typically think of them that way. 

So, what I want to say to my children and grandchildren is that what something looks like all depends on where you are standing. Don't be critical or judgmental of people who believe differently from you, because you have not lived their life and you do not have their perspective.

Perspective is everything. 

Cluster Critiques

Daughter of a Daughter of a Queen: A Novel by Sarah Bird

One of my book clubs was fantastically honored to have the esteemed author of our November book choice, Daughter of a Daughter of a Queen, Sarah Bird, with us. Sarah brought the subject of the book to life for us - Cathay Williams, the freed slave and descendant of an African queen, who at the end of the Civil War disguised herself as a man to become one of the famed Buffalo Soldiers. In response to the many questions from the group, Sarah gave a mesmerizing account of why she had to write the book, that goes back decades to her experience as a  journalist covering African American rodeos, and to her reoccurring encounter with the “myth” of Cathay Williams, who Sarah eventually discovers, really existed. Sarah’s amazing grace at so accurately capturing the culture, dialect and history of Cathay Williams’ story is humbling. I cannot recommend Daughter of a Daughter of a Queen highly enough, and I encourage you to listen to the audible version, read by Bahni Turpin, as it is one of my all-time favorite audible books. Here’s a sample.

God Save Texas: A Journey into the Soul of the Lone Star State by Lawrence Wright

Wright’s narrative about all things Texan spans generations, eras and perceptions, providing justification for those of us who believe Texas and Texans are unique and special, and equally for those who believe Texas and Texans are backwards and arrogant. But it principally provides a “behind the fence” and somewhat personal perspective on Texas historical and political issues we thought we’d heard all there was to hear about, like the Kennedy assassination in Dallas, the romantic myth of cowboys, and the migration of Texas from the LBJ blue state, to the reddest state in the union - Austin being the paradoxical liberal bubble referred to by state legislators as "the spore of the California fungus that is destroying America." After a lifetime witnessing the horrors and charms of Texas, Wright admits he can’t give her up, and his book title, “God Bless Texas,” is what Texans are prone to say when they don’t have anything nice to say. 

God bless “God Bless Texas.” 

Less by Andrew Sean Greer

I cringed when Esther’s Follies icon, Shannon Sedwick, announced that our September book club choice, Less, was a Pulitzer Prize winning novel. What would it say about me if I didn’t like it? I don’t have “Pulitzer-level intellect or sensibilities?” So, I went into the book determined to be “worthy,” and fortunately was charmed immediately, in spite of the main character, Arthur Less, being an uncharming, recently jilted, over-the-hill, perpetually depressed and grumpy guy. What made Less entertaining was author Andrew Sean Greer’s superior writing and sharp humor, and the unexpected relatability I had with “Mr. Grumpy,” who struggled with his collapsing physique (yep, get it), his fed-up-ness with the world in general (yep, get it), and his inability to stop giving a shit (yep, totally get it). Terrified of running into friends offering condolences for his recent lost boy-toy, Arthur jets off to one disaster after another, proving it can get worse. Pulitzer material? Yep. 

Human Errors: A Panorama of Our Glitches, from Pointless Bones to Broken Genes by Nathan H. Lents

This may end up being one of my favorite books of the year, but you would probably hate it – that is unless you are intrigued by things like evolution being described as a disaster moving at the pace of molasses, and humans characterized as the deadliest species in the annals of extinction. Actually, this is a funny and informational book about how screwed up (physically and mentally) humans are because of the inefficiencies of evolution: bad knees, allergies, mental illness, and those are the simple things. And it makes total sense when you consider that it takes generations to correct a genetic error- assuming the stars and genes happen to align just right. Challenges and flukes it seems should have been weeded out years ago through natural selection hang on petulantly, creating a never-ending laundry list of health issues for us. Human Errorsis a fun albeit somewhat bleak look at how screwed up we and evolution are.

Educated by Tara Westover

This book reinforced my theory that people stay in really bad situations because that choice is less scary than going into the unknown. Tara Westover is one of seven kids born to a fundamentalist Mormon family living off the grid in Idaho, which is not necessarily the reason her life is chaotic and dangerous, but rather is just the setting of her very chaotic and dangerous childhood. Due to religious zealotry, Westover’s family is a sociological nightmare. Her father is a rigid fatalist, seemingly determined to make life miserable for everyone in the family, and mom is gut-wrenchingly compliant - to the point of endangering her children over and over again. And although the father is an intellectual (author Westover eventually becomes a professor at Cambridge in spite of never attending public school), his machoism and religious beliefs are lethal – particularly contaminating his sons, one of which is very dangerous, and always a threat to the author. And yet in spite of the horror show at home, Westover cannot seem to break away from her family and her past, putting the reader though a painful, ongoing struggle, making me want to scream out, “You can’t save them. Save yourself!” Educated is both an inspiring and irritating tale demonstrating how religion zealotry is a form of mental illness, how children manage to survive horrific environments, and how blood is indeed incredibly thick. 

The Big Ones: How Natural Disasters Have Shaped Us (and What We Can Do about Them) by Lucy Jones

Lucy Jones is called the “earthquake lady” and one of the most highly regarded seismologist of our generation. Her purpose in writing this book was to put into context the reality of disasters – earthquakes, floods, volcanos, tsunamis, and how we tempt fate by living in their crosshairs – specifically noting that San Francisco, Los Angeles, Seattle, New Orleans, Phoenix, and the St. Louis area are doomed. She also very interestingly shows how previous disasters have significantly changed the social dynamics of the cities in their wake, Japan (women, for the first time took control), Iceland (90% of the population was wiped out), Italy (civil order greatly enhanced). Her other purpose was to say as strongly as possible, “They’re coming. If you are in their path, leave.” She’s not a hysteric. She’s a realist. I listened to the audio book and found Jones’ reading very dry, so I can’t recommend that. However, if you are fascinated by the threat of natural disasters, or how society’s that have survived (or not) natural disasters coped (or didn't), The Big Ones is as good as it gets. 

Transcription by Kate Atkinson

I’m inexplicably mesmerized by British sensibility, so I loved Kate Atkinson’s new book, Transcription,which hops around time-periods, but is primarily set in London during WWII. Eighteen-year-old Juliet Armstrong is recruited to transcribe recorded conversations between a network of British Nazi sympathizers called the "fifth column," and British M15 agents posing as German spies. There’s a plot and numerous interesting characters, but honestly the only thing I seemed to be able to latch onto was Juliet’s (Kate’s) ongoing asides, which were so delicious I found myself waiting for them. Here are a few of my favorites.  

“Juliet could still remember when Hitler had seemed like a harmless clown. No one was amused now.” 

“The world is a comedy to those that think; a tragedy to those that feel,”

“Perhaps sex was something you had to learn and then stick at until you were good at it, like hockey or the piano. But an initial lesson would be helpful.”

“The blame generally has to fall somewhere, Miss Armstrong. Women and the Jews tend to be first in line, unfortunately.” 

“Why was it that the females of the species were always the ones left to tidy up. … I expect Jesus came out of the tomb … and said to his mother, ‘Can you tidy it up a bit back there?”

“Do not equate nationalism with patriotism. Nationalism is the first step on the road to Fascism.” 

The Great Alone by Kristin Hannah

I alternately wanted to throw this book across the room, and binge read it. The Great Alone is about a family of three, Cora, Ernt and their daughter Leni. Ernt (a former Vietnam POW with PTSD) inherits land in Alaska and mistaking it for a solution to his increasing spells of violence, drags his family to a remote and primitive wilderness. Instead of a new start, the trials of living in the Alaskan outback speed up Ernt’s unraveling, until he becomes so unstable that, well, let’s just say things fall apart. Cora is a pitiful codependent enabler, and Leni is stuck in the middle as the tension builds and builds. Author Hannah has a talent for making you need to know what happens next. I was exhausted by the time this very long book ended, but not sorry I read it – like I had a choice after about page 50!