100 Things I Want to Tell My Children and Grandchildren, #27

Photo is of me and my friend Lisa in NYC - looks sort of "Thelma & Louise" doesn't it. It was around this time I thought sex was a tool for fixing my low self-esteem. Turns out it did just the opposite.

Sex won’t fix what is wrong with your head or your heart.

Epiphanies come from the unlikeliest places sometimes. This one came to me through a movie - nothing artsy or classic, but rather from the movie “City Slickers” – and no, it’s not the “just one thing” thing.

In the movie, Patricia Wetting, who plays Billy Crystal’s wife, is talking about a friend of theirs who is having an affair, and she says, “I’m not happy here,” (pointing to her head), “or here” (pointing to her heart), “So I’ll just be happy here,” (pointing to her pelvis). I remember momentarily slipping into a parallel universe as I reflected on my own brief, albeit intense period of sexual promiscuity and low-self-esteem. And in that moment, one thing became perfectly clear; the worst decisions of my life were all made when my self-esteem was at its lowest.

Unfortunately, some of those bad decisions involved looking for someone else to make me feel better about myself, i.e., they want to have sex with me so I must be better than I think I am (or better than someone else thinks I am). And sometimes the sex was so great I mistook it for love. But when the sexual attraction leveled off - and it always does - I was right back where I started – but with the added guilt. Too many mistakes later, I finally learned that although other people can stroke your ego, the only reliable way to avoid the pitfalls of low-self-esteem is by becoming a lovable person – lovable to yourself. 

So, the lesson I’m hoping to convey is that although sex may make you feel better about yourself for a while, unless your heart and your head also feel good, it won’t fix anything, and the damage could last a lifetime. So, become the person you can love, and chances are others will love you too, and if they don’t, then that is their problem, not yours.

Cluster Critiques

The Dry by Jane Harper

When main character Aaron Falk was a teenager he had to leave his small hometown in Australia because something horrible happened. Twenty years later he reluctantly returns to attend his high school best friend, Luke’s funeral. But Luke isn’t the only one dead as his wife and young son were also found at a bloody scene that implicates Luke as the killer - of his family and himself.  

Within a few hours of Aaron's arrival,  Luke’s father is threatening Aaron, who is federal officer in Melbourne, with blackmail if he doesn't stay to prove Luke didn’t kill himself and his family? Blackmail him for for? What happened 20 years ago and why do the townspeople harbor such hate for Aaron? What, if anything does it have to do with Luke and his family’s deaths.

Jane Harper's believable small community culture, colorful characters, and unique plot textures keep the reader off balance, driving a compelling and satisfying plot. Read it.  

What Happened by Hillary Rodham Clinton

Hillary has written another informative and interesting book. Much of it is a rehash, albeit fascinating rehash of the story of her commendable and impressive history of public service and the disasters and victories that hallmark that history. And much of it is in defense of the controversies used against her by both Obama and Trump.

If you’ve not read her other books or books about her, it will be impressive; if you have you may find yourself wanting to skip thorough chapters. Once you get past everything leading up to her second bid for the Presidency, much of this book is about the day-to-day drudgery of the campaign trail, along with surprisingly believable and touching vignettes featuring her seasoned relationship with Bill Clinton and her reflections on grandmother-hood.

Unfortunately, although Clinton very effectively tells us “what happened” during her life, her public service, and her several election bids, I don’t feel like she tells us “what happened” in terms of “why” she didn’t win her race against Donald Trump - because she doesn’t really understand herself.

She of course discusses Russian interference and touches on the undercurrent of “white, male discontent,” but at the core of it all is the unsettling truth that even hindsight doesn't reveal. It is still simply confounding – to Hillary, to me, to the press, to the Democratic and Republican Parties, to many voters, and probably even to Trump.

Sapiens: A Brief History of Humankind by Yuval Noah Harari

When I learned that my BFF in New Mexico, and Keanu Reeves and Bill Gates all loved this book. I knew I had to read it, and I too couldn't put it down! Why? I can't speak for my BFF, Keanu or Bill, but for me, Sapiens was a fresh and intriguing perspective on human history, un-tinted by religious doctrine and untainted by human arrogance, and certainly a version of the history of Homo Sapiens I’d not heard before.

With the passing of time, perspective is something with which I've become very fond, and this book was a provocative perspective for me, in the same way the book, Women’s Diaries of the Westward Journey was. Before I read Diaries most of what I understood about the westward movement of the mid 1800's was the courage and determination of the frontiersmen and the savagery of the American Indians. In “Diaries” which was womens’ account of that same period, families traveling west in covered wagons withstood horrible conditions, buried their children along the trail, settled in extremely primitive conditions, and never saw their other family members again. Their diaries also said the frontier families would have never survived without the help of the Indians, who taught them how to ford rivers and plant corn. A very different perspective. 

Bill Gates’ review of Sapiens is good, and although I don't agree with everything he says, worth sharing (click on read more below).

What I’m Reading

Red Sparrow: A Novel by Jason Matthews (one of my book clubs’ next book selections that I just finished) - A sexy, well-written spy thriller with a savvy, tough female protagonist.  Each chapter ends with a recipe for a Russian dish mentioned in the narrative.  Delicious? Distracting? You decide, but prepare to “salivate”!

The Principal’s Chair: Who Sits There Matters, A Secret of School Success by Dr. Judith D. Knotts - Friend and book club sister Lynn Meredith introduced me to Dr. Judith Knotts and since I am curious, I researched her and discovered her book, which is on the stack of “to reads” weighing down my bedside table. Judith was formerly the Head of School at St. Gabriel’s here in Austin, and is a columnist with the Austin American Statesman. I have grown to know her as one of the most thoughtful (in every way) people I know. The following description is excerpted from amazon.com, where you can purchase her book: In today’s educational system, a lot of attention has been given to the skills a school principal should have to be successful, but there is little focus on the person that the principal should be. The school’s head administrator as a person is at the core of school improvement and, as a result, student development. Judith D. Knotts draws from her years of experience as a school leader to provide powerful insight into multiple aspects of what it takes to be an effective principal. From the first chapter, “Beginning the Leadership Journey,” to the last, “Honoring the Leadership Position,” this insightful book provides a conceptual and practical guide to help principals set priorities, establish credibility, and strengthen leadership skills. 

Texas Tales: Stories That Shaped a Landscape and a People by Myra Hargrave McIlvain - This book is one of several by award-winning author, book club sister and good friend Myra McIlvain. If educators used books like Myra’s to teach history, kids would have a more realistic and accurate context from which to understand and build personal and family culture, which ultimately and collectively influences global culture.  The following description is excerpted from amazon.com, where you can purchase Myra’s book. These tales trace the Texas story, from Cabeza de Vaca who trekked barefoot across the country recording the first accounts of Indian life, to impresarios like Stephen F. Austin and Don Martín DeLeon who brought settlers into Mexican Texas. There are legendary characters like Sally Skull who had five husbands and may have killed some of them, and Josiah Wilbarger who was scalped and lived another ten years to tell about it. Also included are the stories of Shanghai Pierce, cattleman extraordinaire, who had no qualms about rounding up other folks' calves, and Tol Barret who drilled Texas first oil well over thirty years before Spindletop changed the world. The Sanctified Sisters got rich running a commune for women, and millionaire oilman Edgar B. Davis gave away his money as fast as he made it… all these characters and many more… who created the patchwork called Texas.

Men in Green Faces: A Novel of U.S. Navy Seals by Gene Wentz and B. Abell Jurus Because it's a novel, the truth can be told. Because it's the truth, you'll never forget it.. (Description excerpted from amazon.com) Gene Wentz's Men in Green Faces is the classic novel of Vietnam that inspired a generation of SEALs. Here is the story of a good soldier trained to be part of an elite team of warriors—and of the killing grounds where he was forever changed. In this stunning novel, former SEAL Gene Wentz brings to life what it was like to be a SEAL in Vietnam, running an endless tour of top-secret, death-defying operations deep in enemy territory.

Like I Used to Dance: A Novel by Barbara Frances (Description excerpted from amazon.com) Our kids, my, my, Gracie, where did we go wrong? One marries God, another a Jew, and the last one, the devil!" Texas, 1951. The Wolanskys—Grace, Bud and their three grown children—are a close-knit clan, deeply rooted in their rural community and traditional faith. On their orderly farm, life seems good and tomorrow always holds promise. But under the surface, it’s a different story. Barbara Frances’ sparkling, richly human novel takes you back to a time when Ike was president and life was slower. You’ll encounter a cast of characters storm-tossed by change, held together by love.

Ordinary Grace by William Kent Krueger (Description excerpted from amazon.com) The Twins were playing their debut season, ice-cold root beers were selling out at the soda counter of Halderson’s Drugstore, and Hot Stuff comic books were a mainstay on every barbershop magazine rack. It was a time of innocence and hope for a country with a new, young president. But for thirteen-year-old Frank Drum it was a grim summer in which death visited frequently and assumed many forms. Accident. Nature. Suicide. Murder.  Frank begins the season preoccupied with the concerns of any teenage boy, but when tragedy unexpectedly strikes his family—which includes his Methodist minister father; his passionate, artistic mother; Juilliard-bound older sister; and wise-beyond-his-years kid brother—he finds himself thrust into an adult world full of secrets, lies, adultery, and betrayal, suddenly called upon to demonstrate a maturity and gumption beyond his years. 

The Wild Oats Project by Robin Rinaldi (Description excerpted from amazon.com) The project was simple: Robin Rinaldi, a successful magazine journalist, would move into a San Francisco apartment, join a dating site, and get laid. Never mind that she already owned a beautiful flat a few blocks away, that she was forty-four, or that she was married to a man she'd been in love with for eighteen years. What followed-a year of abandon, heartbreak, and unexpected revelation-is the topic of this riveting memoir. Monogamous and sexually cautious her entire adult life, Rinaldi never planned on an open marriage-her priority as she approached midlife was to start a family. But when her husband insisted on a vasectomy, something snapped. During the week, she would live alone, seduce men (and women), attend erotic workshops, and have wall-banging sex. On the weekends, she would go home and be a wife.
(For more of what I'm reading, click on read more below)